Disclaimer: The following is a rant above all else. There is a point I’m trying to make but this post is primarily a means to vent the frustration experienced by stupid DRM. Ubisoft is merely the latest in a long line of companies to rub me the wrong way. As such this rant is going to have some serious swearing. If that sort of thing bothers you, consider yourself warned.


Ubisoft: Hi there! Welcome to Ubisoft.

Me: Thanks.

Ubisoft: What can we help you with today?

Me: Well, I purchased this game from you today called “Assassin’s Creed 2”…

Ubisoft: Ah yes, isn’t that a fine game?

Me: I wouldn’t know, I haven’t been able to play it yet. And actually, I don’t think I want to either. In fact, I want my money back.

Ubisoft: What?! Why?

Me: Well, after all this crap about your stupid DRM hit the internet, I’ve sorta changed my mind. I can live with having to authenticate my game online once while installing it or hell, even once before I start playing, but this whole “you gotta be online at all times to play the game” thing sucks ass. I’m sorry but my internet connection cannot be relied upon 24/7 and to be taken to a grey screen midway through a game is not my idea of fun. And what happens if your servers are down? Nope, this isn’t what I paid for.

Ubisoft: Sir, we understand your concern but we do have an obligation towards our employees and shareholders to protect our intellectual properties from piracy. How would you feel if someone stole from you?

Me: I understand. May I ask you a question?

Ubisoft: Of course sir.

Me: Did I steal from you? Coz I clearly remember forking over 50 bucks.

Ubisoft: No, obviously you are a valuable customer. But, you have to understand that…

Me: Piracy, yeah, I know. And I understand, really, I do. But lemme ask you this “Are your hands clean?”

Ubisoft: I’m afraid I do not understand.

Me: Coz if you must insist on grabbing me by my balls, the least you could do is clean your hands.

Ubisoft: Sir there is really no need to…

Me: BEEEEP! Wrong again asshole. There is a DEFINITE fucking need to get this point across. DRM should not screw with a paying customer. It should screw with a pirate sure, but, not someone who paid you for your precious intellectual property. You aren’t alone in this; I will grant you that much, but that doesn’t make this shit slide. This “I’ll fuck you till you love me” routine may be good for Mike Tyson or prison. It’s not good for me.

Ubisoft: Sir I really think…

Me: Shut the fuck up, I’m not done yet. You know what you have effectively done here? Do you? You are basically telling me that by paying you 50 dollars like a good little boy, all I have done is look forward to is a substandard experience. Had I pirated this thing, I wouldn’t have to deal with this shit. I could have saved my game like a normal person. AND I could have done it for free. Hell, I think that’s exactly what I’ll do from now on. So fuck you too.

Ubisoft: What?! Filthy pirate! You are the reason PC gaming is dying etc etc…

Somethings not quite right with this picture.

Pissed as I am at Ubisoft’s choice of DRM, I do see their point. Piracy is and always will be a huge issue. What I can’t understand is why paying customers have to be at the receiving end. The fact of the matter is that Ubi could have their DRM coded by the goddamned Borg and it would STILL be broken in a week. Publishers need to stop looking at every downloaded copy of a game as a lost sale. There never WAS a sale. These guys were never going to pay for your product even if you priced it on the cheap. A thief wouldn’t think twice about jacking a car if it was cheaper. He just sees an opportunity for ill gotten gain. Asking the legitimate owner of the vehicle to check in with the manufacturer via radio every mile while driving is not a solution. The same applies here.

I do not expect publishers to ship games without any DRM. But I do not want to be screwed with either. It should not be that hard a nut to crack.